I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
