my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
