i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I wish there were birth control emojis
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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