I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
