he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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