I just threw up on my dentist
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
