Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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