I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The air taste purple.
Randomize
