I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
