he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize