I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
