yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
