Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
