i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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