I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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