How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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