We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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