Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just found puke in my bra..
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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