also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
