my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How does one acquire holy water?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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