quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The uberlube is also flammable
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
