Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
