Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Mom said you looked used
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
