i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
this hospital has no fireball
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
