I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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