If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Found your dick twin last night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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