and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
