i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
