She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
