don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
