I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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