note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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