I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
