I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
