apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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