I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
