You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
