trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
