oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
