I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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