I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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