my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
