pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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