Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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