I faked an abortion last night.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
