Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
