I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize