i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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