They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I am mentally ready for anal.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
