I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
