so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
