dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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