What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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