weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
