Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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