just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize