So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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