i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize